I don't seem to be able to create entirely on my own. That's not totally true actually I need to have a small room with BBC Radio Four blaring and nobody entering for a few hours, but in order to persuade me to get into that room in the first place I need to know somebody is watching. It can't just be anybody either.
You'd think that family or partner support would be great, and it is. The fact that my parents give me parts of their garden as canvases (and even look at when I've put their latest up online) is great. But it's not enough, or rather it's not what lets me creep into that room and persuades me that it's alright for me to write down the things that are in my head. Writing is both the way I create that I love the most and also the one that is first to go when I'm not feeling altogether right in myself. It's the thing I guilt over. How dare I sit down and write when the house isn't tidy (it's never tidy), when I haven't done this, that or the other...How dare I write, or paint or create when it's a selfish act?
It's always been a selfish act. It always has to be for me. I make things be examining and re-examining and thinking about things in an incredibly selfish way. It has to work for me. I was accused, the other day of incorporating lesbian poetry in the latest thing I did for my parents as some sort of way of forcing them to acknowledge my sexuality - nope it's just that the Sappho line I used worked well with the images and it didn't occur to me to second guess myself.
That's the mood I need to be in, not second guessing myself, just writing, just making and not worrying what my partner, what my parents, what whoever is going to read this is going to think.
So surely I could create for complete strangers? Not really, they might not be looking. I need to know someone's looking. I need to be interested in them or what's the point of them being my audience? I need to want them to look, and I need to know that they like what they see. Which is not to say I don't want them to be critical - that's another reason that partner's tend to fall short as muses, that I no longer believe in their critical distance.
I tend towards male Muses as well, which I find interesting as a female Artist. I've been inspired by both men and women but the muses that really cause me to enter that room and not want to come out until I've got something to show them are men. I don't know why that is. Pop psychology goes disturbingly Freudian on me at that point. I'm going to get Pop feminist on it's ass - I like the way they look back. Male gaze ftw? I like the way that they aren't used to being looked at and the difference causes enough friction for me to believe for long enough that I can create something that makes it worth going into that room.
I have a new one anyway. My writing, as a result, has gone slightly odd.
Listening to: Simon and Garfunkel
Reading: OS Maps